Local Man Tattoos Family Crest on Bicep as a Tribute to Being Totally Jacked

YOUR REGION—After careful thought and deliberation, a local man has decided to make a permanent mark in honour of his own ripped body by tattooing his family crest on his sweet, toned right bicep.

The tat belongs to Tom McElroy, a 22 year old worker at a nearby factory, who says that he got the tattoo only a week after the death of his grandfather, when he finally reached his target weight of 215 pounds. 

Local Man is Still Not a Celebrity Despite Full Afternoon of Googling his Own Name

YOUR REGION—A local man is baffled that he still isn't a celebrity even after spending his entire afternoon at work Googling his own name.

"I don't understand, I must have done something in my life that would have made me at least a little famous" the man asked himself puzzled. "I have a Facebook page, a twitter, a Tumblr and even a MySpace page and none of those even appear until the tenth page..."

Giant, Intricate Lego Sculpture Moderately Impresses Locals

YOUR REGION—Standing over 300 feet tall and composed of over 50,000 individual Lego bricks, an amazingly intricate and awe-inspiringly detailed sculpture of an Egyptian Pharaoh at a local park has received several somewhat-impressed glances and shrugs from the local public since it was unveiled last week. 

"It's kind of cool, I guess" commented one local resident, "I can see how it would take a long time to build and probably took a fair amount of skill but... I don't know..." 

Ignored by Public for Years, Local Man is Finally Rescued From Busy Street Median

YOUR REGION- Late last night, a rescue helicopter airlifted a man off a street median near the intersection of Main and First Street to safety. According to Search and Rescue, the missing man had been stuck on the divider for over five years.

Despite looking quite dishevelled with a long beard and tattered clothing, Aaron Reinhart, a castaway for more than half a decade, was nothing but smiles in speaking with media this morning- only hours after being reunited with his family.

Local Single Woman Held Hostage by Group of Cats

YOUR REGION—A local mid-forties woman who has been in-between jobs and out of a relationship for over 15 months has reportedly been kidnapped by a group of feral cats.

According to neighbours, Melissa O’Reilly, an unemployed librarian, has only left her apartment a handful of times in the past months and has been spotted in the company of some pretty shady looking felines.

Local Man Loses 500 Pounds with Prayer!

YOUR REGION—A local man recently lost an unprecedented amount of weight in a remarkably short amount of time and has been attributing it to an unexpected source.

Hal Gunderson, a formerly fat man from your local community, is claiming to have lost over 500 pounds thanks to prayer: not God, but the physical act of prayer.

Local Man Satisfied with Just Reading Headlines

YOUR REGION—A local man believes that he is just as educated and well informed as any full newspaper reader by simply reading the headlines.

John Smith, a self-described intellectual, is certain that he is as much “in-the-know” as anyone else by only reading a very small percent of a periodical’s content.

“I find the bulk of newspapers is just filler and doesn’t really add anything” commented Smith “it’s usually just filled with some dumb quote from somebody who doesn’t really have anything to say but they publish every single insufferable word and then they add some asinine statistic that doesn’t really mean anything.” 

Local Man Defies Science; Grows Beard of Bees

YOUR REGION—A 42 year old man in your local community has recently stumped the scientific community by growing a full beard made of bees.

Tom Johnson, a regular community school teacher, claims his bee beard only started to grow 6 months ago when he started using a new honey based aftershave.

“Bread Epidemic” Hits Local Duck Pond!

YOUR REGION- An elderly man was detained by police early Saturday morning in connection with a recent rash of illegal bread distribution among local birds at an area duck pond.

Robert Moore, a 75 year old retiree, is being charged with introducing a “banned substance” to the duck pond which has been forbidden by local park workers who say that bread is responsible for a number of problems among their wildlife.

“Ever since the bread started flowing in we’ve seen a real change in our birds” said one concerned parks worker “not only has the pond become crowded and dirty, but there’s been a shocking increase in the amount of bird-on-bird violence.”

Local Man Drops Out of Watching All 8 Harry Potter Movies after Injury Suffered in LOTR Half-Marathon

YOUR REGION—A local movie lover disappointed his friends this week when he dropped out of their Saturday movie-marathon plans with mild fatigue and leg cramps.

Joel Stevens, a 22 year old student at a local education facility, was all set to spend this weekend with his closest friends watching the entire Harry Potter saga from beginning to end, before unexpectedly having to cancel on them with less than a week's notice.

“I decided to do a little preparation for the weekend, so last night I dug up my DVD collection and picked out my Lord of The Rings set” Stevens explained “I was missing Return of the King anyways so I decided to just watch the first two and not the extended versions so it was really just a half-marathon.”