Distraught Donald Sterling Apologizes for Clippers’ Poor Game 4 Performance

LOS ANGELES — After remaining silent for the past few days, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling finally held a press conference this morning in which he sincerely apologized for what he called a “gutless and disgusting” game by his team on Sunday afternoon.

Sterling said that he takes full responsibility for the “careless and downright stupid” decision-making of the Clippers in their game 4 loss against the Golden State Warriors in Oakland.

Brave NHL Heroes Return from Europe after Conquering Enemy Leagues Overseas

NEW YORK—More than three months after they first started to depart, NHL players risking their lives in Europe are finally being brought home to North America after ensuring that the NHL will remain the world's most powerful hockey league. 

The overseas mission, which was enacted in September of last year, was first planned in the off season when NHL executives grew concerned about the growing presence of Russia’s KHL as a superpower hockey league. An executive decision was made at that time to stage a fake lockout in order to allow NHL players to travel to Europe and reclaim the sport.

First Pick in Gym Class Dodgeball Fails to Live Up to Lofty Expectations

CHICAGO—Despite being unanimously declared the best Dodgeball player in his gym class, a popular student at a suburban Illinois middle school could not live up to the hype during Friday afternoon's game.

Although pretty much everyone in the Period F Gym Class at McKinley Middle School in East Chicago were convinced that Chris Kapeski was the most athletically complete player available for their Dodgeball game, Kapeski ended up being one of the biggest busts in recent memory. 

Exhausted Americans Demand Less Time Consuming National Pastime

DENVER—As tired Americans slog through the final games of the 2012 MLB season, the United States public have reportedly made a formal request that their national pastime be changed from baseball to something that won’t take up so much of their time.  

As of September 30th, over 30,000 Americans have already signed a petition asking their government to relieve them of having to enjoy baseball during their few precious leisure hours.

Chess Colour Barrier Broken!

VANCOUVER—Yesterday was a historic day in the world of chess as 25 year old Ryan Whiteman, became the first player in a professional tournament to start a game with a black piece. Whiteman’s match in the first round of the annual Vancouver International Chess Championship marked an end to nearly a millennium long oppression of black pieces.

Traditionally the game chess has always contained an archaic and ritualistic opening procedure which gave players an unfair advantage based purely on colour. Whiteman’s opening manoeuvre ended this longstanding intolerance for black pieces and has given new hope to the nearly dozens of young chess fans across the globe.

Released by Seahawks, T.O. Joins Seattle Sea Gals

SEATTLE—Former all-star receiver Terrell Owens’ was released by the Seattle Seahawks this Sunday but thanks to an unexpected offer, T.O. will be staying in the city as a member of the Sea Gals cheer squad.

Although Owens failed to impress Seahawks management over the course of 3 weeks with his football ability- his enthusiasm and personality did catch the eye of the team’s head cheerleader. 

NBA 2K13 to Feature New "Be an Owner" Mode

NEW YORK—2K Sports revealed new information about the latest edition of their popular basketball franchise this week, which included details about an exciting new game mode that allows players to vicariously own a professional sports team.

According to a 2K press release, in the “Be an Owner” mode players will be able to select from a variety of billionaire owner types ranging from self-made entrepreneur to semi-insane oil tycoon to degenerate wealthy rapper, and then take control of any NBA team they wish.

World Baffled by Overachieving Asian Teenager

LONDON—Sixteen year old Chinese swimming protégé, Ye Shiwen, won two gold medals and broke an Olympic world record earlier this week  after years of dedication and relentless training, but somehow she has still managed to perplex sports fans all over the globe with her success.

Despite having a perfect physique for the sport, the support of one of the world’s richest countries and strongest Olympic contenders, and a track record that includes a world’s fastest time when she was only 14 years old, people across the world (the United States) are accusing her of cheating.

Olympic Athletes to Spend Next Two Weeks Training for Closing Ceremonies

LONDON—After a long and tedious opening ceremony this Friday in London, participating athletes in the 2012 Olympic Games were hoping to have some time to rest. Unfortunately for them the Olympic committee has insisted that they spend the next two weeks participating in a variety of activities to prepare them for the games closing ceremonies.

“I know that opening ceremony was quite the ordeal, but we can’t let our athletes lose focus- the closing ceremony is only a couple of weeks away” explained the games chairman, Sebastian Coe, “we’ve prepared a lot of fun games for them in the coming weeks and we hope it can keep them both mentally and physically focused.”

LeBron James Abandons Team USA; Takes his Talents to North Korea

LONDON—Less than three years after breaking the hearts of Cleveland Sports fans, LeBron James has once again made a controversial move, on an even larger scale, by leaving the United States National Team to sign a lifetime contract to play for the nation of North Korea.

The acquisition of LeBron is said to be the first in North Korean dictator and avid basketball enthusiast Kim-Jong Un’s plan to build their national basketball program into winners.

Thanks to Twitter Campaign, Anaheim Ducks Sign Teemu Selanne to Six Seasons and a Movie

ANAHEIM—Unrestricted free agent Teemu Selanne put an end to all speculations about his future early last week by signing an amazing first-of-its-kind deal. The signing will not only see the 42 year old winger returning to Anaheim this season but it  will soon see him appearing on a Hollywood big screen for the first time ever.

The unusual deal is reportedly the result of an online social media campaign inspired by fans of the NBC sitcom Community, in which Ducks fans used their leftover #sixseasonsandamovie twitter hashtags to convince GM Bob Murray to re-sign Selanne.