Seth MacFarlane Declared the Worst Oscar Host Since Whoever the Last Oscar Host Was

THE INTERNET—Following this year's Academy Awards, on the one day a year when all journalists, bloggers and twitter users become comedy experts, the online community has officially declared the event's host, Seth MacFarlane, to be the WORST OSCAR HOST OF ALL TIME, taking the place of whoever it was that hosted the Oscars last year.

Despite clearly being given a fair chance by all online critics, MacFarlane's performance was ultimately dismissed as crude, offensive, sexist and a DISASTER after he finished telling his first joke. 

West Coast Responds to Biggie Autopsy Report with Even More Gruesome Tupac Death Details

LAS VEGAS—In an attempt to reignite the dormant nineties East Coast-West Coast rap feud, Tupac Shakur's posthumous autopsy report has finally been released to prove that his death was much more horrific and tragic than the recently leaked Notorious B.I.G. post-mortem examination. 

According to the Las Vegas County Department Coroner's 47 page report, Tupac received dozens of gunshot wounds all over his body which were all more severe and badass than the ones indicated in Biggie's autopsy. 

Striking Amateur Screenwriters Accept Settlement in Starbucks Gift Cards

HOLLYWOOD—After a lengthy battle against Hollywood producers, the little known union of American Amateur Screenwriters have finally settle their labour dispute by accepting several $5 Starbucks Gift Cards.

The ASGA (Amateur Screenwrites Guild of America), who represent the thousands of non-professional screenwriters across the country who sit at their laptops in public and tell people they're working on a screenplay, had unbeknownst to the public been on strike for almost 3 weeks. 

Democracy Finally Receives Approval from Celebrities

HOLLYWOOD—In an historic moment for the fate of democracy in the United States of America, several prominent celebrities have officially announced their approval for their country's form of government.

Despite being one of the founding principles of the country, Democracy has never fully been accepted in the United States with only 2/3rds of the population taking part in the voting process, a problem which should no longer exist now that Joseph Gordon Levitt and Selena Gomez have given the Democratic Voting Process their approval.

Kim Kardashian Escapes Paparazzi Cameras in Order to Tweet Photo of Herself

NEW YORK—Only moments after being surrounded by a swarm of paparazzi sticking cameras in her face and invading her privacy, Kim Kardashian was able to escape into her apartment where she could finally be alone and take a picture of herself.

“The media is just so relentless... I have cameras following me 24/7” explained Kardashian to one reporter, “Sometimes I just want a break, do something that I want to do, something silly like take my own picture... and then send it to 16 million strangers."

Prince Harry Narrowly Avoids Controversy by Shedding Nazi Costume

LAS VEGAS—The Royal Family has managed to avoid any controversy this week after Prince Harry was very nearly photographed wearing a Nazi Uniform for the second time in his life.

According to sources in Las Vegas, the youngest son of Prince Charles was attending a costume party at Wynn Las Vegas Hotel where he was almost photographed in his incriminating costume while playing a game of "Hitler Billiards".

Cosmo Magazine Runs out of Sex Tips

NEW YORK—After more than 40 years of being the world's most reliable women’s journalistic source on how to please their man, Cosmopolitan Magazine will be printing their very last 52 sex tips in this month’s issue.

Beginning in September, the popular magazine will no longer be printing any sexual tips, secrets or synonyms of those words, due to the fact that according to Editor-in-Chief Kate White, they have simply “run out” of anything new.

Rap Business Report: Cash Money Records Purchase of Ellis Island Paying Dividends

NEW YORK—It’s been nearly three months since New York Harbour’s historic Ellis Island was made the headquarters of the Cash Money Record Label and according to their latest sales totals, it’s been a sound investment.

The island which was the once the gateway for immigrants arriving to the new world has returned to its roots under the ownership of rap mogul, Birdman who says the island now serves as it’s own gateway for aspiring hip-hop artists.

Katie Holmes Demands Joint Custody of Tom Cruise’s Fame

HOLLYWOOD—Coming out swinging in her divorce negotiations with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes has insisted that her number one priority is that she be given joint custody of the couple’s celebrity status.

 “We don’t want Katie to just fade into obscurity like so many other ex-celebrity wives” explained Holmes’ Lawyer on behalf of his client, “we need a guarantee that she gets at least 50% of his tabloid time- she shouldn't just be spending time with the paparazzi on weekends, we need them to remain as significant to her life as they are to Tom’s.”  

Actor Struggles to Get Work after Being Typecast as a Tree following Elementary School Play

HOLLYWOOD—A talented young actor has been unable to book a single part in over 3 years due to what he believes was an unfortunate casting decision very early on in his career.

Joel Watkins, a 24 year old thespian from Vancouver, has been turned down for more roles than he can count, and he believes it all stems from his first major role as a Christmas Tree in the 1994 Winter Concert Spectacular at Sunshine Hills Elementary School.

20th Century Fox to Adapt All Future Screenplays into Superhero Movies

LOS ANGELES—CEO of 20th Century Fox, Stephen Blairson, held a press conference yesterday to announce that due to the recent box office success of films like  "The Avengers" and "The Amazing Spiderman", all their studios upcoming film projects will be converted into part of a Superhero franchise.

“It just makes sense, it doesn't matter how exciting or deep your characters and plot are, people really just want secret identities" Blairson explained "I’m sure if Disney had made John Carter secretly be Batman, that movie would have been a hit.”