VANCOUVER—In an unforeseen development, Canada’s favourite milletanialist restorationist Christian denomination has added a record amount of new members by forming a partnership with their number one door-to-door soliciting rivals.
According to Elders of a local Witness church, the idea to recruit the country's girl guides came during their weekly meeting after a tedious debate about the precise imminence of “the end”.
“We were hearing a lot of complaints from members about more and more people closing the door on them” explained Harry Smith, a local elder “and with this whole peephole fad sticking around, its becoming increasingly difficult to get our message out to the public.”
Instead of making any changes to their intrusive method of recruiting or ridiculous general belief system, Witnesses instead decided that their best course of action would be to bring in a new generation of more approachable, cuter members.
“We’ve been competing with the Girl Guides for centuries and they’ve always beaten us” continued Smith, “I mean, we can’t even give our literature away but they can come to your house unannounced and charge five dollars for what are, frankly, mediocre cookies.”
While Smith would admit that he did enjoy the mint flavour, he believed salesmanship was the key and immediately reached out to obtain the Guides services, a task which was easier than he expected.
According to sources, the girls were actually quite receptive to joining the religion (after they were explained the principle of eternal damnation of course).
Although the group is sometimes criticized for its cult-like practices, a conversion to the Jehovah’s Witness religion is not expected to change that aspect of the Girl Guides. As practicing Witnesses, the Guides will continue to partake in all their regular activities, with the only exceptions being any one that is fun.
They will continue to go door-to-door, as they did before, but will now give out cookies only to those who have agreed to follow the sacred word of Jehovah and also have agreed that the act of accepting cookies is a sin.
According to Elders, the project is already a huge success with a massive increase in their soliciting percentages, as the public apparently does not have the heart to slam their door in the face of a little girl, no matter how imposing her ideology might be.