World Baffled by Overachieving Asian Teenager

LONDONSixteen year old Chinese swimming protégé, Ye Shiwen, won two gold medals and broke an Olympic world record earlier this week  after years of dedication and relentless training, but somehow she has still managed to perplex sports fans all over the globe with her success.

Despite having a perfect physique for the sport, the support of one of the world’s richest countries and strongest Olympic contenders, and a track record that includes a world’s fastest time when she was only 14 years old, people across the world (the United States) are accusing her of cheating.

“She’s got to be on some sort of performance enhancing drugs, I just know it” explained the father of one of the American Olympians who didn’t win the 400m freestyle “I mean my daughter trained just as much as she did, she practices every day, she tries really hard; how could she possibly have lost an event against the best swimmers in the world?”

Although no one has come out with any evidence for the alleged drug use, there is an overwhelming gut-feeling that says she 'must be doping' by the majority of people in western society who don’t like things that they don’t understand.

“I think the medal should be taken away regardless of the outcome of her drug test” explained a coach for the US swim team, “our swimmers we’re just better, plain and simple, sure [Shiwen] might be faster than them but she swims with absolutely no heart.”

“She doesn’t have the character that our girls have” the coach continued, "It's probably because she spends all her time swimming and doing homework, I mean our team could do that too but we’re trying develop well-rounded athletes to compete in this one very specific task.”

Despite these comments being mostly just hearsay and conjecture with somewhat confused racist overtones, sports experts agree that making a big deal out of the actions of a teenager in a sport they watch briefly every four years is absolutely the most appropriate reaction.  

“I don’t feel bad for these athletes just because they get their feelings hurt by being accused of cheating on the happiest day of their life” explained one such expert who’s been watching swimming for almost 3 days now, “but I guess I just prefer hard-working, down to earth athletes, like Michael Phelps, I'm sure he would never do drugs under any circumstances.” 

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